Alone

No one ever prepared me for the amount of loneliness that I would face with marriage. I hate saying this. I rarely allow myself the ability to think about this guilt free, but there are times that I wish I had never married. That isn't to say that I don't love my husband with every measure of my being. There are times in our marriage that I feel happy and loved, and I cherish each moment.

However, there must always be a balance of sorts and I guess that is where this feeling comes from. I talk occasionally with old friends or people that I meet through various walks of life and I feel this urge to connect with them. I worried for several years about this, fearful that I would be unable to resist the urge to stray if it was strong enough and found me during a particularly weak point of my marriage. After several years though, my fear subsided as I noticed a pattern. I realized that for the most part, I only had these feelings when there was a particular need that wasn't being met in my marriage.

My husband and I are complete opposites. I like to be neat and organized and in total control. I like getting involved and I would give anyone the last shirt in my closet if they truly needed it. I also have a very creative soul and I have to have creative outlets at all times. My husband on the other hand, is very content to sit in front of a video game for the rest of his life with soda and pizza within arms reach. He doesn't worry about how clean things are, he hates working, and he has a quick temper. It isn't too hard to see why I may struggle with certain aspects of our life together. Most of my friends wonder how it is possible that we have managed to marry and stay that way for nearly seven years. I tell them, "He reminds me to laugh, he sweeps the small stuff under the rug, and his impulsive ways give me something to control."

Still, I spend many nights reading, writing, listening to music, or even walking around our apartment complex and I feel so alone. It is difficult to be married at our age without children. There aren't many people that we can spend time with. Most of them are busy wrestling small children, and when they do have spare moments, we usually find it too painful to sit and listen to how rich their lives are with children in tow.

So, I try to allow myself time to work through these feelings when they arise. I take extra walks, or stay later at work. I sneak away to the solitude of the bedroom and take that time to examine what part of our marriage I need more from. Sometimes I need him to be more caring and kind, while other times I need him to put more into our household. There are times that I just feel overwhelmed with the amount of things going on in my life and I need him to help me carry the load, or I may simply need to reevaluate my priorities and give myself more free time.

It sounds sort of counteractive, but usually solitude is the best solution for my loneliness. It gives me a chance to work through my feelings and think up ways to get what I need out of our marriage without causing an argument. I have also learned that it is okay to tell him no. If I feel like he is hovering or I need space for my own personal feelings, there is nothing wrong with that. Our marriage works better when I am emotionally and mentally healthy, which means I may need to take some time to just work on me.

I am sure that as our marriage progresses and we hopefully add to our family, I will continue to struggle with loneliness and empty holes in our relationship. I know temptations will be strong at times and I may want to head for the nearest exit, but if I remember to take my own needs into consideration, perhaps we can beat the odds.

Warning.... Flooding may occur!

I want to hear from you. I made this blog with the hopes that it would be a community blog where we can all share with each other. If you have an idea or something you would like to see a post about, email me. I would love to have other people post about things going on in their marriage as well. Perhaps you have a question about a particular problem in your marriage, or maybe you have a few tips you want to pass on to young couples. Maybe you just want to rant. You can do all of that here.

I want to know what you need and want from this blog. I hope you flood the comment box with ideas and questions that will help you deal with the challenge of marriage. It is a chance to be a normal spouse and focus your attention on your relationship, putting away all of the infertility, parenting, and whatever else you may struggle with.

Eh? Did you say something?

Men have an uncanny sense of selective hearing. If I mention a little hanky panky after dinner, I could whisper from the other side of the room and he would hear me. However, if it involves any sort of "honeydo" topic, I have to draw pictures, shout, and communicate with sign language, and still he may not hear me. He also has this half hearing thing where he cuts me off mid sentence as if he has telepathically sensed what I need for him to do and can now take care of my specific instructions without me ever needing to explain to him how to go about doing it. Of course, most of the time in this case, he comes back to me, midway through the project and gives me a helpless look before asking how to do it.

It drives me nuts sometimes. Okay fine, all the time. I repeat myself over and over. When he puts on his video gaming head set and starts yakking it up with his voice chat buddies, I seem to vanish along with any responsibility that he has in the house.

It doesn't stop here. Oh no. Much like my grandmother that suffers from hearing loss and refusal to wear her hearing aids, my husband has decided that the television must be set to never before heard decibel levels that the astronauts can hear some times. I tend to have rather sensitive hearing, probably because I spend most of my days surrounded by noisy children, so I try really hard to let it go, but seriously! I go outside to talk on the phone or just clear my head sometimes and I still can't drown his sound out completely. He swears it isn't loud, but our quaking walls beg to differ.

No wonder he can't hear me when I ask him to take out the trash!

Facade

I went to Belarus a couple of years ago on a mission trip. We led a day camp of sorts for a church that works with disabled children. Belarus was a beautiful country with a fascinating culture that I quickly fell in love with. One thing that stuck with me was the way they build their houses. These people live in dire poverty, surviving on what would be around $80 a month in the US. Still, their houses were painted bright, cheery colors that bounced off the dreary farm land. We would come across houses that were very elaborate and ornate, surrounded by rubble or run down farm shacks.

One day we asked our host about the houses and she sort of laughed as she explained. They take great pride in appearances there. If we were to actually walk into one of those elaborate homes, we would find one or two rooms at best with solid walls and a floor. The people there would pour all of their money into a gorgeous looking house, only to leave the inside unfinished and bare. It was all about the facade.

I relate that to my duty as a wife sometimes. I work very hard to smile and entertain with joy. I scurry around before bed at night, picking up the rooms we live in, hoping to convince myself that we live in a perfect happy home. When I am at work, I talk candidly about the fun things Hubby and I did that weekend, leaving out the screaming fest we had before we put on our shoes. Even with my husband, I sometimes put on a face, acting like I enjoy something when I don't for the sake of peace.

I think about all of the old television shows that I loved to watch as a child. Donna Reed was what I envisioned all houses were really like. My home wasn't like that, but everyone else must live like that, right? Of course, over the years I realized that this was never the case, but it made me wonder. Why do we insist on painting our lives with cheery colors and happy smiles? I loved the show Roseanne when I was a kid too. My mom didn't like me watching it, because she said Roseanne was brash and loud. I was drawn to it, though, because I could relate with the lives they portrayed. My dad didn't drink beer, and my mother wasn't as coarse or demanding as Roseanne, but we were never a Donna Reed family by any stretch of the idea.

I want to know if you have anything that you do to cover up your imperfections. While you think about it, I am going to put on an apron and make some fresh squeezed lemonade and maybe a few homemade cookies to woo our guests.

Welcome!

I needed to create this space for my own sanity. I have been married for over six years and I find it increasingly difficult to face the frustrations of the opposite sex alone. I hope that you will come here to find understanding and friendship when marriage beats you up. Feel free to ask questions or vent your frustrations within the safe confines of this space.

I will warn you. This is a place where I will often express my own frustrations and anger toward my husband. I may complain, cry, or celebrate. Consider yourself warned.