Alone

No one ever prepared me for the amount of loneliness that I would face with marriage. I hate saying this. I rarely allow myself the ability to think about this guilt free, but there are times that I wish I had never married. That isn't to say that I don't love my husband with every measure of my being. There are times in our marriage that I feel happy and loved, and I cherish each moment.

However, there must always be a balance of sorts and I guess that is where this feeling comes from. I talk occasionally with old friends or people that I meet through various walks of life and I feel this urge to connect with them. I worried for several years about this, fearful that I would be unable to resist the urge to stray if it was strong enough and found me during a particularly weak point of my marriage. After several years though, my fear subsided as I noticed a pattern. I realized that for the most part, I only had these feelings when there was a particular need that wasn't being met in my marriage.

My husband and I are complete opposites. I like to be neat and organized and in total control. I like getting involved and I would give anyone the last shirt in my closet if they truly needed it. I also have a very creative soul and I have to have creative outlets at all times. My husband on the other hand, is very content to sit in front of a video game for the rest of his life with soda and pizza within arms reach. He doesn't worry about how clean things are, he hates working, and he has a quick temper. It isn't too hard to see why I may struggle with certain aspects of our life together. Most of my friends wonder how it is possible that we have managed to marry and stay that way for nearly seven years. I tell them, "He reminds me to laugh, he sweeps the small stuff under the rug, and his impulsive ways give me something to control."

Still, I spend many nights reading, writing, listening to music, or even walking around our apartment complex and I feel so alone. It is difficult to be married at our age without children. There aren't many people that we can spend time with. Most of them are busy wrestling small children, and when they do have spare moments, we usually find it too painful to sit and listen to how rich their lives are with children in tow.

So, I try to allow myself time to work through these feelings when they arise. I take extra walks, or stay later at work. I sneak away to the solitude of the bedroom and take that time to examine what part of our marriage I need more from. Sometimes I need him to be more caring and kind, while other times I need him to put more into our household. There are times that I just feel overwhelmed with the amount of things going on in my life and I need him to help me carry the load, or I may simply need to reevaluate my priorities and give myself more free time.

It sounds sort of counteractive, but usually solitude is the best solution for my loneliness. It gives me a chance to work through my feelings and think up ways to get what I need out of our marriage without causing an argument. I have also learned that it is okay to tell him no. If I feel like he is hovering or I need space for my own personal feelings, there is nothing wrong with that. Our marriage works better when I am emotionally and mentally healthy, which means I may need to take some time to just work on me.

I am sure that as our marriage progresses and we hopefully add to our family, I will continue to struggle with loneliness and empty holes in our relationship. I know temptations will be strong at times and I may want to head for the nearest exit, but if I remember to take my own needs into consideration, perhaps we can beat the odds.